After the frenetic online speed dating of my time in the Bay Area, I decided to give it a rest. That decision has stayed with me and has been the ‘right’ one. No doubt about it. I needed a rest and a break from the process that was bringing up all sorts of material for me to sit with, learn not to take on or personally, and let go of what was clearly not mine; while it generated almost no ‘leads’ in the partnership procurement process. I’m grateful for the experiences and practices of non-attachment. Really, I am. Sometimes it was easy, other times it hurt my heart. Deeply. The fact that there was no off-the-charts chemistry with anyone, even when it seemed like there ‘should’ be, was more than discouraging. I didn’t know what to think. Sometimes I couldn’t help but even worry:
Was that new relationship energy excitement, that oxytocin high a thing of the past?
Would it not follow me into this time of life?
Was there something ‘wrong’ with me that it simply wasn’t happening with anyone?
Did I even still have pheromones?
Did anyone else?
Why was I not turned on and excited in such a big way like I had known in the past?
Would I ever feel that potent, palpable, hot, sexy energy with anyone ever again?
Ohgod, what if I didn’t?
I’m not so proud to say it, but on one not particularly high-esteem day, I even stood in front of a mirror and asked myself, “Am I ugly?” I decided I wasn’t, thankfully; but yikes, this was a slippery slope I simply didn’t want to feed or spend any more time on. So I didn’t. After so many one-date wonders, I was left more than wondering. The break has continued to feel right while I focus on other important parts of myself and my life. I’ve come back to a solid place of feeling grounded and centered and grateful for the lessons learned that I’ll carry forward when I venture out into the dating world again.
And then along comes my Puna arrival.
Up until the moment before I write this, Puna hasn’t been a place of success in said dating world for me; what with (has been) the small population of available and ‘suitable’ potential partners and my penchant for a social circle made up almost entirely of gay men. And yet, here, right here in Puna and within 48 hours of my arrival, a magnetic, energetic chemistry came out of nowhere barreling into my life right around the same time as the Eastern Seaboard’s Nor’easter. Instead of being covered in snow and cold, this storm brought the sexiest, most handsome man down upon me. <Swooning> Ohgod, a damn handsome man. Handsome? Beyond handsome? Stunning. Gorgeous. Not in any ‘perfect’ kind of way, but beyond beautiful to me. Meltingly, achingly beautiful. Fun, playful, smart, bold, present, engaged, curious, oh so much. And just for the record, this was no one-way swooning. This man was totally and completely taken with me, totally and completely pursuing me, sweet-talking me, seducing me, flirting with me. And I, of course, met him every step of the way. His adorations were non-stop appreciations of every single thing about me – my skin, my smile, my laughter, my brain, my energy, my body, my smell, my lips, my kisses, on and on. He literally did not stop complimenting me about every single thing. Oohhh, that adoration is so seductive to me. And while it’s yummy and decidedly delicious, it’s all projections, too; just like the other side of the coin projections that are not quite as appealing. But projections nonetheless and important to remember as I’m being seduced by each and every one of them!
Our lips, our eyes, our bodies were locked together within minutes of meeting. Really, minutes. I am not exaggerating. It’s not like we made a decision to pursue this – really we didn’t. It’s more like the energy pursued us. Yeah, maybe that sounds like the rationalization for someone in this position; or maybe it’s a way to understand how these things really do happen, even when no one is looking for them to. It was not the most appropriate setting within which we ‘should’ have been doing such things. But it simply didn’t matter. The overpowering magnetism was palpable beyond only us and even that didn’t faze us. We surrendered and we giggled and we kissed and we laughed and we gazed deeply into each other’s eyes. I didn’t have to pinch myself to let myself know it was real, he did it for me.
All those Bay Area questions were suddenly and overwhelmingly answered. Yes, yes and yes – I’ve still got it, I can still feel it and someone else can still feel it with and for me. I haven’t felt this kind of exciting, erotic, hot, intense, magnetic energy since … well, since I met Rainer over 11 years ago. And even if it is mostly all projections at this stage of the process, it still feels really, really good.
But there’s a catch and it’s a big one. And the catch is that neither one of us can be the catch we both wish we could be. No, I have a whole different role. I have suddenly stepped unawares into the position of The Other Woman. Yep, you got it, he’s not available; and while he describes his relationship as one that he would like to end, one in which he is not in love, one out of which he needs to be; the truth is that he isn’t. Out of it, that is. They are a couple, they live together, they have a life together. And even though he told her he met ‘a captivating woman’, this is a quagmire that is already too complicated to continue.
So I guess there’s yet more material to teach me about non-attachment, about letting go, letting be and not taking on what isn’t mine to have. The essential joyful nature of this energy cannot be denied. But while he is still in relationship with someone else, neither can be the anguish that our pursuing it can also be. And I simply can’t be party to that. And neither can he.
That same serendipity that brought us together only a week ago brought us to run into one another again today. Yep, small community here, Puna is. And in just the few minutes of our on-the-side-of-the-road meeting, the energy showed up again. The current of electrical charge was again intense, palpable and this time, too much. Even though his words of adoration still came flowing forward, even though our sparkling eyes met and we both melted; still we spoke of how we can’t do this, we simply cannot continue. And in my inimitable style, I asked that we come together to talk about it in some other place, not on the side of the road, but with intention as we bring it to a close. I seem to have a penchant for these kinds of meetings. He agreed. We picked a time that is a week out from now. Somehow there was a sense of safety in that. Not too soon. Maybe far enough into the future to be away from the power of this energy. Maybe it will simmer down by then. Perhaps that is wise. Perhaps that is right. I don’t know what is ‘right’ right now. I know that I love this feeling. I know that I don’t know anything, really, about this man. I know that I want to. And yet I also know that it’s not something we can sustain and stay within any kind of integrity or respect for ourselves, for one another and for that other woman who isn’t The Other Woman at all.
One of these days, the Perfect Storm of a man will come along.
That off-the-charts chemistry will show up.
That man will be available.
And so will I.
I’m getting closer. Yep, step by step, I’m getting closer. Either that, or the Universe has a wicked sense of humor. Maybe it’s not either; maybe it’s both / and. And, too, I’m back in the land called Puna where we live on the edge of an active volcano. Things can be pretty crazy around here. And so they are, so they are.
Even as I’m sad that this has to end, I’m still grateful for the moments with this extraordinary man, feeling these extraordinary feelings, this kind of aliveness once again. So what that it had a really short life span. Just like with other experiences that were also so very short-lived, they’re all giving me pearls, letting me taste both the sweetness and the sourness of life, all the extremes, all the possibilities and all of them true and real. The truth is, all of it, all of it, is what makes me whole and alive. So I give thanks, truly, for all of it.
So thank you, most amazing and alluring one for our dazzling date with destiny.