Be-twixt and Be-tween

It’s late at night right now, something like that magical hour of 1:11 a.m and I don’t have the time or energy to write with devoted attention to all of what’s stirring in me. But I can’t find sleep before I post something to honor the importance of this time.

It’s a time I know well – this time of in-between – ness – the time that I’m no longer quite fully here as I prepare to take my leave for the next place I’m headed. Travelers find ourselves in this conundrum as much as we strive to Be Here Now, the anticipation as the time grows nearer for both departure and arrival. And that’s exactly where I am right now.

I can feel it not only emotionally but somatically too. It’s that visceral anticipatory excitation of taking the next step – a feeling that I know only from travel. Something’s coming around the corner that is unknown and welcoming. It’s moving out of the familiar flow of the river and letting the current take me – it requires my trust and surrender, not blindly, because still, I’m steering, but still, too, I just don’t know what’s around the bend. And I simply adore that feeling. That’s the flow I’m in right now and it’s delicious.

It’s coming close to the end of my 3-month stay here in the Bay Area and as my time winds down, I’m swirling in a soup of ambivalence – I’m sad to leave and yet I know it’s time to go. I’m excited for this next part of the journey to Maui and to see my dear friends there; and I’m sad to say good-bye to my loved ones here. While I know it’s also time to return to Puna and make the journey of this circle complete; I’m also aware of feeling not so very sure about still calling it ‘home’ and wondering about what that unsure-ness may entail.

I had no idea when I landed here that I’d be in such a rich and abundant flow of energy and comfort and that I’d want more and more of it. And yet that’s been so since the moment I arrived and it continues to be true. Time with friends and time with the land – all that I love so much – has filled me to overflowing with gratitude and a sense of equanimity. Even as I’m in the midst of ‘lasts’ right now, I’m so sure of my extended return next year, that my leave-taking doesn’t have quite the sting it might otherwise.

Even though the sting is not so sharp, I still recognize these ‘lasts’ and that for now, I am saying good bye:

☼     This is my last night staying in Tiburon. I pick up Fran from the airport tomorrow. This Tiburon house-sit has been an amazing gift of serendipity. My access to Spirit Rock, the city, the East Bay, Mt. Tam, Point Reyes, the Marin Headlands and all of Marin – I feel like I’ve soaked in as much as I possibly could of the beauty and incredible power of this place!

☼     Then tomorrow I spend my next and last two days in San Francisco (where I began my Bay Area stay three months ago), playing with my dear sister Donna before I leave for Maui on Tuesday. At least we know we’ll see each other again soon in Hawaii when she comes for her annual visit at the holidays.

☼     I had my last visit with my dear friend, cool girl Flea on Tuesday. We are so deep in each other and our friendship still grows and still deepens. I feel so incredibly fortunate that this is true. Such depth of presence and hilarious irreverence – what a combination – those qualities and us! I live in sweet grace in this friendship.

☼     Then my last two days hanging out with Mary on Wednesday and Thursday. Another amazing, life-giving, extraordinarily beautiful friendship. We show up with each other and we keep showing up with each other, with a depth and breadth that continues to delight and touch the deepest parts of me. And now Buddy just adds to the pleasure! More sweet grace.

☼     I drove back to Tiburon after my last time in Sonoma County this week – I cried a good part of the way back, leaving the place that has my heart like no other I know.

☼     I spent my last time in circle at Spirit Rock last night. I’ve spent more time there than I had any idea I would on this trip; and it’s been a place where I felt immediately welcomed and at home. There is no doubt I shall return and for even lengthier visits.

☼     I’ve done the last of my hiking here in Sonoma and Marin; and my hiking this summer has been nothing short of magical on some of the most amazing days under the bluest skies with some of the most stunning scenery and landscape that’s found anywhere on this gorgeous planet. And that’s not just hyperbole, it’s really true.

☼     I saw my last performance at The Marsh tonight – a place I only just discovered from Ann Randolph, my writing and performance teacher at Esalen. The Marsh is the place for solo performers and I’m sure there are more evenings there in my future. More shall be revealed.

As I lay my head down for the last time on this bed in this home, I go to sleep feeling happy and full of ease. Blessings indeed surround me.

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4 Responses to Be-twixt and Be-tween

  1. flea says:

    Bon voyage! You feel very close inside me. I love you like a crazy cool girl.

  2. Jennifer Shannon says:

    My heart is with you Christina. I am so sorry for your losses. My niece just lost her baby, she was full term,stillborn. So grief is a fresh visitor to our doorstep. Your words ring universal and true.

    • Christina says:

      Thanks so much, Jen – and so sorry to hear about your niece’s baby – ohgod, ohgod, how hard that must be. Yes, the universal human experience of love and loss – we all know it.
      Look forward to seeing you soon!
      Love right back to you!

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