It’s 48 hours until my departure. I have crossed off more lists of things to do, things not to do, packed, re-packed, unpacked and then packed again, filled my Kindle with more books than I’ll be able to read in the rest of my life probably, seen the ear, eye, teeth and seemingly every other body part doctor while I still have health insurance, eaten fabulous meals with my beloved friends, said plenty of good-byes (or “A Hui Hous” which means ‘until we meet again’), quit my job, changed my ticket two times already, and prepared, read, organized, re-organized and figured everything out that there is to figure out.There’s really no more to do.
Except that here I sit, unexpectedly at Lex Brodie’s getting new tires for my car – seems like a funny thing to be doing as I’m preparing to leave for 7 months, but tires were needed and sweet Jason will be using my car when I’m gone, so new tires are happening. I recognized yesterday when I found out that I needed to do this that I made a clear and deliberate choice in reacting to it. I could have been frustrated, annoyed, resentful that I’m having to deal with this on one of my last days, these days that have been intentionally and determinedly filled with luxurious relaxation in the midst of all the preparations And yes, those feelings did cross over the blood/brain barrier for sure. But not for long.
And so, I’m learning more and more about how my perspective changes everything. Really, everything. If I choose to see it as annoying , then guess what, it is annoying. If I choose to see it as an opportunity to sit here and write, then wow, it’s an opportunity! And while there is something trite and well-known about this, it can feel so freeing when I actually feel myself in the midst of it, making a conscious decision to think and feel this way and not that way. Ohyes, it can be annoyingly platitudinal and polly-anna-ish (wow, how’s that for some new words?!) to talk like this to anyone else but myself, but hey, I am talking to myself … and it’s working! I feel great sitting here early Saturday morning and wow, look, I’m blogging, I’m blogging!
Speaking about talking to myself … this very young blog has been a funny thing related to that. I’ve told several friends about it, but somehow I’ve only given the address to my sister, Donna and to Mary Keelty. (Yes, notice, no names are being changed – that’s likely to continue, too!) What’s up with that? I realize that I want to use this blog to write about this pilgrimage I am already on – my process, my experience, my unfolding, my tender and vulnerable times and my exciting, joyful times – everything really. And as silly as it is, since here I am on the world wide web where a kazillion people can see what I’m writing, somehow I feel vulnerable putting myself out there. A little shy even. Yes, me, shy. It’s true, it can happen sometimes and I really do enjoy giving that sweet energy more air time. Yeah, well, it seems life has been all about learning to be with my vulnerabilities, to recognize the power and strength in them and to keep showing up, keep letting myself be seen. And so here I am, doing it … or talking about doing it anyway. Actually, that’s not the same thing — sort of like … Do you want to talk about the experience of being alive or have the experience of being alive?
Some of my deepest longings are all about wanting to be seen – and seeing others – and that’s also the source of my greatest terror – sound familiar to anyone?
Wait a minute, I want to be careful to remember that yes, someone might be out there reading this, but with all due respect, I don’t want to be writing to you, per se. Because then the editor may kick in and try to entertain you or provoke you (highly unlikely from me, of course!) or some such thing. And really, it’s more important that my fingers find their way to express the authentic truth of my heart and if that happens to entertain and provoke, well then, that’s great, but it can’t be my motivation necessarily!
So today, I’ll send this address out to some more people – Hutt & Jonnie & James & Linnie Pie & Annie & Jen & Janie & Bear & Tho & Felicia & Daron & David & Jimmy & Jeffrey – yikes, that’s already 14 people – okay, no more, that’s enough exposure for now! 🙂 Not sure why I need to identify everyone, but somehow I want to … so I did … that’s part of the fun here, I can do whatever I want. Oh yeah, here’s another Ode to Freedom!
More to say, but my car is done (so quickly … gee, I was wishing I had more time to blog – see how funny things can be?!).
Now I’m off for some adventure for the day with Hutt & Jason – a Taoist Blessing Ceremony of some kind that I didn’t really want to go to, but they sweetly ‘insisted’ on my company, so I couldn’t resist. And after all, my journey has already begun and I’m all about saying yes to everything, so here’s another time I get to do that!
Oh and as promised, a photo totally unrelated to this post, but one of my sweet boy Pono.